Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
We are all done wearing pants today
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
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