My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
