hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
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You insisted on take shots off of plates.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
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Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
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