i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
