Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
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I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
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He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
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