i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
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