If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
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