This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
