My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
well, you know. whores of a feather.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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