Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I think a kid would responsible me up
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
