I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
