so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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