and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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