Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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