aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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