dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
