Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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