I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
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