He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
be right there i have to get my cape
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
