Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
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You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
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