Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
