In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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