Cold hands, warm shart.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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