Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
