my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
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