the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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