I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
