were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Randomize
