I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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