There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
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