I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
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sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
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he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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