I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
