I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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