just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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