i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
