I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
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On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
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He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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