My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
Randomize
