turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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