who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Randomize
