make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
