Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
