Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
