My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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