Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
