My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Randomize
