Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
