I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends