just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
25 Of The Most Cringeworthy Internet Stalking Fails
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
21 People Who Barely Escaped Death
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep