just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
