He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
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