I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
