oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
