I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
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I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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