i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I'm getting married
To pizza
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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