this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
there is glitter all over my balls
Randomize
