We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
there's paper in my vomit.
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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