checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
