It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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