I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Randomize
