get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
I know her cup size but not her name....
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